No one:

This movie: what if Jim from The Office and Natalie Portman starred in Indiana Jones, but it’s directed by Guy Ritchie?

 

Guy Ritchie can’t stop, won’t stop. His latest, The Fountain of Youth, is a globe-trotting, puzzle-solving, absolutely ridiculous adventure flick — and it knows exactly what it is. It’s not Citizen Kane, but it’s not trying to be. 

 

This is Indiana Jones meets National Treasure by way of The Da Vinci Code, with all the quick cuts, cheeky banter, flaming food carts and fake history you can handle.

 

John Krasinski plays Luke Purdue, a slick mercenary-slash-outlaw who makes his entrance zipping through Bangkok on a scooter with a stolen painting tucked under one arm and a gang of thugs in hot pursuit. Yes, you’ve seen this chase scene 1,000 times. No, you won’t care. There’s gunfire, narrow escapes, fists flying, and a flaming street vendor cart that deserves its own stunt double credit.

 

Krasinski was made for this — all winks and snazzy outfits and sly charisma. He’s joined by Natalie Portman as his estranged sister, Charlotte, a museum curator mid-divorce, who wants nothing to do with his treasure-hunting nonsense. Naturally, she ends up neck-deep in it. 

 

Rounding out the cast is Domhnall Gleeson, playing a dying billionaire with liver cancer and maybe-not-so-pure intentions. He’s funding the crew’s search for the mythical Fountain of Youth. He’s also, as the movie telegraphs early and often, a giant red herring.

 

This is a film that wears its silliness like a badge of honor. Portman, in particular, is the movie’s meta conscience delivering dry, skeptical one-liners that feel like they’re aimed straight at the audience. “We’re not thieves,” she says at one point. “We’re not grave robbers.” You can practically hear the air quotes.

 

The plot? Six classical paintings from the 1600s are said to contain clues to the Fountain’s location. The team has five. They need one more to unlock the secret to immortality. Along the way, they’re chased by secret societies, rival treasure hunters, and a shadowy femme fatale played by Eiza González. Think: Lara Croft but with better tailoring.

 

At one point there’s a sunken-ship set piece involving the Lusitania that might make actual historians scream, but hey it looks awesome. 

 

The cinematography throughout is rich and expensive-looking. Whether it's the opulence of an exclusive Viennese library or the sun glistening over the pyramids, this movie wants to dazzle. And it mostly does.

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There are some weak spots. A third rival team, led by Arian Moayed, feels undercooked and unnecessary. There’s a little too much plot and a few too many twists. 

 

A final act showdown at the Great Pyramid of Giza lifts so heavily from The Last Crusade it should come with a citation. But it’s all in service of the vibe — a charmingly reckless, fuck it attitude that somehow makes it all work.

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Krasinski and Portman have real sibling chemistry and both seem to be enjoying the ride. Carmen Ejogo and Laz Alonso make solid additions to the team in smaller parts. And González brings real energy to a role that could’ve just been Hot Lady Assassin #3.

 

The result is a movie that understands what it’s doing and leans all the way in. It’s stylish, self-aware, and stupid in a lovable way.

 

The Fountain of Youth won’t win any Oscars, but it might just win your Saturday afternoon. It’s a three-star movie, but it’s one heck of a three-star movie.