Be forewarned this is more of a rant than a critical review. I grew up with the Spy Kids franchise - the original is one of the films I remember vividly seeing in theaters and loving, same goes for seeing the sequel at the dollar theater with my father or the epic 3-D threequel that my mother endured at the local cinema. I have fond memories and nostalgia for every aspect of the original three. Now I wasn’t lured into seeing the much later released requel, Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World, namely because I was in high school at the time and didn’t have the time to seek out a film like it. But now in my late 20s, Spy Kids was something I was open to seeing a return to… hell even Robert Rodriquez was once again returning for the reboot. Sadly everything that could go wrong with a reboot happened to Spy Kids: Armageddon and it may be nostalgia goggles fault but in this case… I think this is just an awful film for all ages. 

 

Some people give a pass to kids movies but I do genuinely believe that kids should be able to watch them without pause from adults. Not to mention this is a well known IP I grew up with so I understand how ridiculous the CGI was and how cheesy the acting was but it also knew how to poke fun at itself. It also helps that the awful CGI of 2001, 2002 and 2003 were because it was a film from 2001, 2002 and 2003 - a film from 2023 should not have anything that even resembles CGI from those years. 

 

Lets forgive the storyline here, it's on the same level of stupidity as the original sequel and threequel. But it also retreads the same material of all three previous films - parents kidnapped (Spy Kids), weird CGI creatures who are both enemies and friendly (Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams) and most of the film taking place within or around a video game (Spy Kids 3: Game Over). It’s annoying and irritating to remember just how much more fleshed out these individual aspects were in the original trilogy, now stuffed into a single outing. 

 

I’ve gone back recently after seeing this latest effort and rewatched the original three to judge my nostalgic feeling and they remain almost entirely intact. Alexa PenaVega and Daryl Sabara run laps around newcomers Connor Esterson and Everly Carganilla. The largest issue besides the lack in sibling chemistry between the pair is the fact that most of the film takes place entirely through added effects and these young actors simply can’t pull off interacting with beings / objects that aren’t really there. 

 

That’s not all to complain about as the magic just isn’t there from the parental side of things either replacing the dynamic duo of Antonio Banderas and Carla Gugino for embarrassingly choppy performances from Zachary Levi and Gina Rodriquez. Not to mention the wasted potential a villain could’ve been with the comedic talent they had with Billy Magnussen - him being nonetheless the best component of the film for having serious fun with his role (just like the previous whacky, over-the-top villains). 

 

For such a legendary filmmaker as Robert Rodriquez to reprise the role of writer and director to make this sorry excuse for a remake, is unbelievably embarrassing for fans. Horrific to look at, boring to watch, and just an irritating experience all around for its 97 minute runtime.